apology

i apologise
sincerely
i apologise
to all of you
who have meant
such a lot to me
who i have
fooled around with,
disturbed you
with pranks
and stupid mischiefs
and unnecessary
chatter and talk.
i apologise...


i am sorry ma
for creating
such pain and agony
for you as i lay
in cushioned joy
surrounded by the protective
amniotic sac
connected to the umblicial cord,
my link to life
your link to pain,
unbelievable
unbearable pain.
and a pain i have
been, since birth.
i apologise...

i am sorry baba
for being a girl,
a daughter
who is only a burden.
i was never a champion
never did i top anything,
an exam, a job interview
or a simple race.
you gave me education
in a country where
daughters are wed off early
you gave me scope
and i never buried my head
in books and made you proud.
neither am i beautiful
that i can get you
compliments on being my father.
i apologise ....

i am sorry dadu,
trust me
i loved you,
but i could not see you
in your death bed.
i could only close my eyes
and see your smiling face
as i sucked on your rudraksh
and you handing me a dhanuk
as i imagined myself to be
Shri Ram of your tales
or your darling naatni
who you would bring flowers to.
how could i see you dying?
i apologise ...

i am sorry dida.
i miss your soyabean curry
and pui-foler torkari,
but i could not live upto
be a doctor
who could cure you of your
silly naughty ailments.
i love you kiddo
and i apologise ...

i am sorry my heart.
i could not understand you
i should have.
you had given me the taste
of being loved, wanted, desired.
your lips have twitched
with an insane temptation,
as i smiled good-naturedly
or wickedly amidst public.
your eyes shone the moment
i stepped out in sight,
and you dreamt of a good-life
with me in your arms.
yet i could not decipher
your busy silences
or your awkward avoidances.
did i annoy you? irritate you?
i apologise, sincerely ...

my dear friends, i am sorry.
you have been there through
thick and thin, or havent.
sometimes, you have bore
my weird jokes and maddening
arguments, my repeat-broadcasts
of melodramatic incidents
or gigantic embarassments.
thanks for telling me repeatedly
i am pretty too and
i shall slim down one day,
and that i am great,
which we know may not be true.
you have given me all
the smiles available
in the sunlight.
i apologise for every let-downs...

and you, who have always inspired
me to carry on. who have always blessed
me with a smile, and replied
to my jokes with witty lines.
who have shared bits and pieces of
your life, and absorbed my pains
and lended me some light to
make me walk and talk,
i am sorry that i could not
always live upto your name
and not always bring smiles.
i apologise ...

tonight i die
a blissful death.
under cloudy skies
and chilly breeze
wrapping me in delight
as the poison trickles
down my throat.
my eternal bed awaits me.
i must go now.
i love you all
and
i am really sorry,
i apologise......